From Samaritan To Sin
by McShipper
Summary: Post- Nadia Two-Shot about Erin's not so successful coping mechanisms in the death of one of her best friends. She's walking very close to the edge, will she end up falling?
1. Razors Edge

**A/N: Okay so it's been forever since I've uploading anything. Lets just say I haven't been very happy with this fandom. That and I've been drowning in schoolwork. I finally passed my math class. Now the rest of the classes I need to take to get my BA are not going to be nearly as nerve wracking as math. I literally hate math; hence the writing. Like I was saying, I haven't been happy with the show, the fandom, any of it to be quite honest. I will never be okay with what they did to Nadia or** ** _why_** **(it was for sweeps week, lets all be honest here.) I hate the fact that TV writers think they need to fuckin kill off characters for some kind of dramatic flare. All it does is simply pull the fandom apart and make less people watch their shows. I don't understand honestly. Anyways, I had someone request a prompt on tumblr(I'm not going to spoil you and tell you what it is, you'll just have to read). This is part one, part two is half way done. It should be up before the finale. Like I promise this time. I also will be putting up some CPD videos soon, at least one for sure, so make sure to check those out as well. And make sure to leave me prompts for one shots, bc I'm going to be having surgery in a bit here and I'm going to have a lot of sitting around time to do writing but not anything like multi chapter heavy stuff. Just send me prompty, fluffy stuff please :3 (other fandoms are okay too!) The song for this chapter is called Razors Edge by Digital Daggers, it's a great song and really embodies Erin's current state of mind so go listen to it. Alright, please follow, fave, and PLEASE review and let me know what you think is going to happen in part two?!**

* * *

"I've gone off the razors edge, thought it would be different;

I was treading the water, til it took me under.'

* * *

As consciousness seeps into her head, the first thing Erin feels is pain. Not a dull pounding either. Its a loud, almost deafening, throbbing; which makes her think for a moment that maybe this is what death feels like, that maybe this pulsating agony was her arteries exploding in her brain. She feels a warm arm around her midsection, and for a second she relaxes, just wanting to drift back into sleep. But suddenly her eyes snap open, which she regrets instantly, as sunlight assaults all of her senses. So she squeezes them shut and drags a hand over her face, bracing herself before trying again, slower this time. Sitting up cautiously, Erin maneuvers herself from under this….complete stranger. Her mouth is sticky and she looks around for something, anything to drink. Instead she finds nothing, but she does take note of her wallpaper is peeling off of the hole riddled walls and there is a distinct scent, although she cannot seem to place what it is because of her throbbing head. She goes to plant her feet on the ground, and instead steps on trash.

' _What did I do',_ Erin thinks to herself, squeezing her eyes shut, regret already bubbling in her chest. Kicking the garbage out of the way, her feet hit the cold wood and she scans the trash riddled floor for her missing clothes. Her head protests with every movement, so she moves cautiously; stumbling around pulling on each article of clothing as she comes across it. Once she has everything on but her shirt, Erin turns around, taking her first look at the man whose bed she woke up in. She doesn't recognize him, she doesn't even remember talking to him in the dingy bar she crawled into last night. He's cute but she can't help but feel a gnawing in the pit of her stomach. Jay was the last guy she had slept with, he was the only guy she wanted; so what the hell was she thinking?

Erin mentally chastised herself as she searched harder for her shirt, ignoring the thick fog of her hangover. She stops dead in her tracks as her eyes land slightly adjacent to her shirt. All of the sudden her past seems to crash into her and a wave of nausea and disbelief washes over her as she examines the table in front of her. Rubber tourniquets, needles, lighters, spoons; Erin knows exactly what happened last night and knowledge of it threatens to rip her in two. A sob catches in her throat and her hand flies to her mouth to prevent it from escaping. The last thing she needed was to have a confrontation this morning. She quickly pulls her shirt over her head, tugging it down over her midsection. Taking a deep breath she glances down at her arm, and her stomach drops when she sees fresh track marks. She looks to the ceiling hoping that the tears pooling in her eyes wouldn't fall.

"Oh god," Erin whispers to herself, "Oh god, _oh god_ -" The last one comes out as a groan as her stomach heaves. She stumbles into the bathroom and empties the contents of her stomach into the grungy toilet.

After she's finished, Erin drags herself off of the floor. She turns on the taps of the sink rinsing her hands before bringing a handful of water to her mouth, swishing it around, and spitting it back into the sink. Slowly she raises her head to look in the mirror. Her skin is pale and tepid, she has deep dark circles under her eyes. She couldn't have gotten more than 5 hours of sleep since they had gotten back to Chicago last week. She looks at herself and shame grips her empty stomach. Erin promised herself she'd never have to see her reflection this way again and she had failed; just like she failed to protect her best friend. Shaking her head, trying to shake off the grief, she pushes away from the sink. She quickly finds her coat and makes sure her phone and keys were in her pockets, and slipped quietly out of the door.

* * *

A few weeks ago, Erin would be dreading this moment; the walk of shame. Because the moment she got through the door she would be assaulted with corny jokes and silly innuendos for the rest of the day; all at the hands of Nadia. As Erin slips her key into the lock, she thinks back on the moment that she realized that Nadia knew about her and Jay's secret relationship. A slight smile crosses her lips as the memory comes back to her;

 _Erin heard the apartment door close and kissed Jays chest before looking over at the flashing numbers of her alarm clock that read 5:43am. She smiled wickedly and threw the blanket off of herself. She padded over grabbing her robe and wrapped it around herself._

" _Where are you goi-" Erin cut Jay off with her lips, giving him a brief kiss before shushing him. He knew better than to argue, so he propped himself on an elbow and watched her curiously._

 _Erin tiptoed over to her door, leaning against the frame, smiling when she saw Nadia slinking across the living room._

" _Long night?" Erin asked, triumph lacing her voice._

 _Nadia jumped, nearly falling over. She whipped around, grabbing onto the back of the couch for balance. "Fuck Er," Nadia exclaimed, clutching her chest. "You scared the shit out of me."_

" _Well, I wasn't going to miss my chance to see you doing the walk of shame." Erin said, giving her friend a knowing look._

 _Nadia crossed her arms over her chest, "I am not doing the walk of shame," She said proudly, "I had...study group."_

" _Til 5 in the morning?" Erin quipped, raising an eyebrow._

" _Okay, Fine. You caught me. But I've been busting my ass with school, i just needed to...blow off some steam." Nadia explained._

" _Nadia, I understand completely, no need to explain anything." Erin said, giving her arm a squeeze and moving past her into the kitchen. "Want coffee?"_

 _Nadia nodded, "Yeah, I do actually have study group, so I have to get ready and head right back out the door."_

" _Sounds good," Erin says, starting to pour her coffee. "Hey Nadia?"_

" _Yeah?" She asks curiously_

" _I'm really proud of you." She said, handing her the cup with a smile._

 _Nadia smiled widely, "Thanks Er." She said before heading down the hallway to her room._

 _Once Erin heard her door close, she grabbed two mugs and poured hers and Jay's cups and proceeded to make her way back to her room with a happy smile on her face. That is until she stepped three feet into her room and collided with her boyfriends strong chest, which was instantly scalded with hot coffee. He let out an involuntary yelp and_

 _Erin quickly set the coffees on a nearby dresser before rushing back to Jay. She winced when she heard Nadia call out._

" _Er, What was that? You okay?" Erin could hear her voice getting closer, and she pressed Jay against the wall, covering his mouth with her hand and giving him 'the' look._

" _Yeah, I'm fine." Erin tried to sound reassuring, "I just uh...stubbed my toe."_

" _Okay, well I'm going to grab a shower before I have to go. Do you want some ice for your toe?" Nadia offered, her voice traveling from the living room._

" _No, my toe will be just fine." Erin assures, which earns her a knit brow from Jay. She smirks and kisses his burn before dragging her lips up to his, allowing herself to get lost in the kiss._

 _She's startled a few minutes later when Nadia calls out. Erin pulled away from Jay and rushes back out of her bedroom door._

" _Hey Erin," Nadia asked again, louder this time as she entered the living room donning a fresh outfit as she towel dried her wet hair with one hand._

" _Yeah?" Erin asked nonchalantly, as nerves bubbled in her chest._

" _Why is the toilet seat up?" She asked coyly, a sly grin spreading across her face. She walked over and dropped her towel in the laundry while she waited for Erin to think of a plausible excuse._

" _Oh, I wasn't feeling good. Might have a touch of a stomach bug or something." Erin explained, trying to play it off._

" _Right," Nadia said, heading into the kitchen. She grabbed her Police Academy travel mug and her hand froze as she reached for the coffee pot. She gave her a side glance with a raised eyebrow. "And what happened to all the coffee?"_

" _I drank it," Erin confirmed, "I was thirsty, you know, after not feeling good."_

 _Nadia snorted, laughter escaping from her lips. "Sure," She said, not convinced, as she gathered up her school books and shoved them into her over capacitated backpack. "Maybe you should stick to Gatorade next time though?"_

" _Great idea, I will definitely do that." Erin said, giving her friend a smile. "Study hard."_

" _Oh I will." Nadia gave Erin a devilish smile which confused her for a moment until Nadia opened her mouth again, "Have a good day, Halstead." She said loudly, before throwing her head back and laughing. "You have a good day too, Er."_

 _Erin scrunched her face at her, "Yeah, you too. Little miss detective."_

 _Nadia gave her a wink as she slipped out the door; and just like that, she was gone._

The door banging against the wall brings her back to reality. She stands frozen for a moment before dragging her feet over the threshold and closing the door behind herself. She still wasn't used to it; the silence. Its eery, and it makes her uneasy. She idly fiddles with her keys for a moment before dropping them on the wooden table by the door. Her hand reaches inside her coat pocket for her phone; she thinks about calling Voight or Jay, someone who could fill the void inside her chest. Instead her fingers brush up against a baggy and her pulse quickens. Erin pulls it from her pocket and examines the small plastic bag in the palm of her hand. It's full of what look to be oxy, probably to help with the come down from the dope. She couldn't for the life of her remember where she got it, but regardless, she fists her hand around it. She contemplates what to do with the baggy in her hand. The rational side of her wants to flush it, but the broken, aching side of her wants to down it with a whiskey chaser.

Erin battles with herself for a moment before the gnawing pain in her heart wins the fight. She fingers a few pills out of the bag, grabs the bottle of whisky off the counter, and chases the pills with the amber liquid. She strips off her jacket and lets it fall to the floor; the rest of her clothes follow suit and soon she's nearly naked. As a buzz starts to seep into her bloodstream she finds herself standing in front of Nadia's room. It's still the same way she left it; everything sitting in the exact same place. She can hear her heart pounding in her ears as she stumbles forward into the room. Her eye catches the sweatshirt lying over the chair; Nadia's Academy sweatshirt. Erin runs her fingers over it gingerly before bringing it up to her nose inhaling the scent, tears pricking her eyes in surprise when it still smells like Nadia. Without thinking, Erin pulls it over her head and wraps it around herself. She staggers over to the bed and crawls onto it, curling up into a ball. Everything inside her wants to scream, all the tears inside her want to fall, but as the high pounds through her veins, all she can manage to do is feel numb. So she lays there like that, for hours, not feeling a thing.

* * *

I'm scared cause the past keep pulling me back,

distorting the future;

* * *

 **Dont forget to leave your thoughts on this chapter and theories for part two! :3**


	2. Into the Fire

**A/N: Okay so I'm having a bad day and I decided I should upload this gem, because why the fuck not. I hope none of you were spoiled by Global airing the finale today. I know a few choice assholes spoiled quite a few things for me but I am doing everything in my power to avoid watching the episode until it actually airs. So please, no spoilers?! Anyways, I decided to turn this into a three parter :D I got some random inspiration for a part three and so I'm gonna do it. It's going to kill you and you're going to love every minute of it. Please forgive me switching tenses at all, i tried my best to catch them all but im sure there are a few in there? Who knows. This chapter is based on the song that the actual story is named after, so please listen to it. It's called 'Into the Fire' by Erin McCarley. Its haunting and it's, ugh, listen to it. It helped me get into the head space for writing this story so you'll understand by the end hopefully? Anyways PLEASE let me know what you think, and please send possitive vibes my way. I'm not doing to hot rn. It'd be greatly appreciated. :)**

* * *

'Come on, Come On,

Put your hands into the fire'

* * *

Two days later Jay lets out a groan as his phone buzzes on the table in front of him. His feet slide off the table and hit the ground with a thud. He leans forward, dropping his pizza onto the table, and rubbing a greasy hand on his jeans before reaching for his vibrating phone.

"Hello?" He answers, mildly annoyed. He silently cheers and throws a fist in the air as the hawks score a goal on his television in front of him.

' _Jayyyyyy'_ Erin's voice sing songs into his ear. That gets his attention and he sits up straighter.

"Erin, are you drunk? Where are you?"

' _I'm home silly,'_ she says with a giggle. ' _But Jay, listen, listen'_ she demandingly slurs ' _I have something to tell you.'_

Jay rubs a hand over his tired face, "What do you need to tell me?"

' _I miss you.'_ Erin says seriously. ' _I miss you a lot.'_

"Er, Listen you're drunk. Why don't you go get some sleep?" Jay says, hoping to distract her drunken mind.

" _Jay, can you come over?_ Erin's raspy voice pleads through the phone, playing on his weakness.

"Erin-" Jay sighs, knowing where it would end up if he went over there. It would lead somewhere they both have been trying there hardest to resist. If they fell back into bed, there wouldn't be any going back.

' _Jay please,'_ Erin begs, somberness in her voice. ' _I need you.'_

Jay sighs, gritting his teeth together as he weighs his options. He squeezes his eyes shut as he makes his decision and takes a deep breath before speaking into the phone, "I'll be right there."

* * *

Jay doesn't bother knocking, he just lets himself in and makes sure to lock the door behind him before looking around for Erin.

He glances around the apartment and sighs. It's messy, with bottles and various takeout boxes strewn about carelessly. He grabs the trashcan, and throws away what he can, nodding his head at the improvement when he's finished a few minutes later. He wipes his hands on his pants before calling out for her, "Er, where are you?"

Suddenly a foot pops up from behind the couch, "Here I am!" she chirps, swinging her leg back and forth as a beacon. "Over hereeee."

"Yeah, yeah. I see you," Jay says with a slight laugh, walking over to the couch and placing his hands on the back of the couch. He cant help but smile when he sees her sprawled upside down, her head lolled to the side, hanging over the cushions, her feet up by his hands. Her foot brushes his hand as she idly wiggles to the music in her head.

"Erin, your feet are like ice. I'm getting you socks." He states, walking off towards her bedroom. He stops in his tracks as he hears her next mumbled sentence.

"You're such a good boyfriend."

It makes his heart clench in his chest and he has to take a deep breath before he makes his way into her bedroom. He quickly grabs a fuzzy pair of socks out of her sock drawer. Once back in the living room, he slips them over her chilled feet. She mumbles what he can only presume is a thank you and he sighs before walking around the couch. His presence startles Erin in her drunken state.

"Jay!" She exclaims, "What are you doing on the ceiling?!"

He chuckles, "I'm not on the ceiling, you're just upside down." He reaches down, grabbing her shoulders, pulling against her resistance. "Come on, we're sitting."

"I don't wanna," Erin pouted, flopping onto the couch as soon as he sits her upright. There is knocking at the door and that gets her attention, but only enough that she props herself up on her elbow, pushing her hair out of her eyes. She's wearing a shocked face when she looks at Jay. "We're having a party?" She runs a hand through her hair worriedly, "but I'm not ready!"

"No, it's food. Thai food. I ordered it on the way over here." He answers simply as he makes his way to the door.

Relieved, Erin falls back into the cushions and a moment later Jay is holding a cup of hot and sour soup in front of her face. "Food, " She moans, "Ugh, you do love me."

His heart pounds in his chest as he finishes placing the rest of the food on the table. He hands her a plate with two spring rolls on it. "Eat your food, Er."

"Yes, sir." She salutes him, nearly managing to spill her soup on herself in the process.

Jay chewed his food slowly as he watched Erin. It hurt him to see her like this. Sure she was acting happy and goofy now, but deep down he knew she was hurting with every fiber of her being. He knew that familiar ache all too well, he felt it too; but Erin was feeling Nadia's death on a totally different level. A level that Jay hadn't been on in a _very_ long time.

Her empty food containers fall to the floor a short time later and she flops down onto the cushions. She pats the couch beside her head, which catches Jay's attention. His eyes focus back on her small frame curled up contently. He sighs, pushing himself off the ground, away from the table. Walking over to her, he lifts her up and sits down on the couch, cradling her head in his lap. His hand plays idly in her hair and eventually Erin's breathing evens out; which was ultimately his goal when he came over. What he really needed to do was to pull himself out from under her and leave before she woke up because a drunk, upset Erin Lindsay was _not_ something he wanted to deal with tonight. He runs his hand lightly up and down her back soothingly, like you would a baby. The repetitive rhythm soon begins to pacify him, and his eyelids grow heavy. ' _Just five minutes_ ' he thinks to himself before letting his head drop back into the couch.

* * *

He is jostled awake by Erin nestling closer to him, her body shivering. Instinctively his arm tightens around her and he reaches across the couch for the knit blanket, pulling it around them. Jay wipes a hand over his tired eyes, feeling as if he may have slept more than five minutes; the bleary numbers on the clock stare back at him and confirm his theory. He had slept nearly three hours. He definitely needs to get home.

Jay looks down at Erin sleeping contently in his arms and sighs. He can't bring himself to move. Honestly, he can't remember the last time he saw her look this peaceful. He knew for a fact that she probably hadn't slept this well since Nadia died. Before he can think on it any further, she starts to stir, making those cute little noises she always does when she first wakes up.

Erin takes a moment to orient herself before sleepily looking up at Jay giving him a small smile. "Thank you for being here." She murmurs, her voice still thick with sleep. His finger slowly caresses her cheek and she leans into his touch.

"Always." He smiles down at her, holding her gaze. After a moment, he clears his throat and his hand comes down to pat her thigh. "Are you still cold?" He asks lightly.

Erin snuggles in closer to him, "Definitely not." She answers, looking up at him, biting her lip slightly.

Jay throws his head back in laughter. "Erin Lindsay you are drunk, do not give me ' _the look.'_ " Jay orders, giving her the best stern look he can manage.

"But _whyyyy_ " She whines, throwing her head back in frustration.

"Because you're drunk Erin. I'm not that kind of guy, you know that." Jay says, his brow knitting in playful irritation.

"I'm not _that_ drunk." She says, sitting upright, straddling his lap."Come on, we've done it before. It'll be like recycling. It'll be... good for the environment." She proposes triumphantly.

Jay's eyebrow shoots up, " _'Good for the environment?'_ "Oh yeah you're definitely still way too drunk to even think about that. If you want any action tonight, you're going to have to...tend your own garden, missy." He says, scrunching up his face at her, "There is no way I'm taking advantage of you."

"Well then I guess I'll just have to take advantage of you." Erin declares before crashing her lips against his. Her hands fisting in his hair, holding his head in place as fire ignites between their lips.

Jay does his best to resist, but for the life of him he cannot not remember the last time his lips touched hers. He couldn't remember if it was a quick peck before work, or a long, drawn out passionate kiss on a lazy sunday. He can't remember. So instead of trying, he falls into the heat and the dominance of the kiss. He fists his own hand in her hair, using his grip to hold on for dear life as the flames between them threaten to swallow him whole. The kiss deepens, and Erin's nails dig into Jay's neck, which quickly and suddenly bring him crashing back to reality. Without really thinking, he uses his grip on her hair to pull them apart abruptly.

Erin isn't sure if it's the mixture of intoxicants in her system or if it's Jay running through her veins, but when he suddenly pulls them apart, she can't help but feel shocked, and more than a little bit hurt. She pulls back further, overcorrects backwards, and lands on her ass embarrassingly. She squeezes her eyes shut as she hears Jay jump to his feet, but she starts to push herself off the floor before he can reach her.

"I've got it." She says tightly, wrapping an arm around her middle, her other hand finding her kiss bruised lips.

Jay nods awkwardly, rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "I should go." He says, snatching his leather jacket off of the back of the chair. He makes it halfway to the door before her voice stops him.

"I'm sorry."' She says, her eyes looking down at the floor. She doesn't look up when he turns to look at her, she just continues talking. "I just feel empty. All the time. Nothing seems to fill the void. I just have this constant gnawing pit in my stomach and I guess I thought maybe…" She trails off, gesturing between them. "I don't know, i thought it would help. I can't stand the constant pain but that isn't even the worst part. It's the silence. Not having my roommate, one of my best friends who was so full of life and dreams and ambitions just suddenly disappear. Now there's this eery silence and I can't stand it Jay." She finally exhales, hands fisting in her hair. "You don't have to...you know." She says, her voice defenseless and defeated, looking at him through blurry eyes, "but can you please just stay? I can't stand the silence."

Jay throws his coat onto the table and and in two strides he's in front of her. He grabs her face with both hands, thumbs gently caressing her. He gives her a soft, chaste kiss before pressing his forehead against hers. He wants to take all her pain away. She had already been through way too much and he never wants her to have to feel another singular heartbreaking feeling in her life. He wants to take it all away. He wants her to let him.

"Come on," he murmurs, pulling apart and offering his hand. "You need to get some sleep."

Placing her hand in his, she allows herself to be pulled into her bedroom. She flops tiredly on top of her large bed and curls onto her side. Jay follows suit, laying down next to her, pulling her duvet up over the two of them. He lets his hand drape comfortably, _familiarly_ around her waist. After a moment Erin turns to face him. She runs her fingers over his face, which illicit a smile from him, causing a matching smile to form on her own lips. Quickly, and without thinking, she presses their lips together one last time; a silent thank you, before pulling away and burying her face in his chest. He pulls her in closer to him and settles in comfortably, _happily_. Jay is nearing sleep when he hears Erin mumbling. He chuckles to himself, gently rubbing her back, before closing his eyes again. Jay was used to her sleep noises, so the mumbling is nothing new. "Im sorry." He hears her mumble into his shirt, causing his eyes to immediately snap open. ' _She must be dreaming about Nadia.'_ He thinks to himself sadly, tucking a stray hair behind her ear.

"I'm so damn sorry, Jay." Her raspy voice murmurs. "Please forgive me."

He hears that clearly, confusion knitting his brows. He's not sure if she's dreaming or making some sort of drunken confession. But he can't help but listen.

"I don't even remember his name."

His face contorts in pain and he jerks backward, not caring this time if she wakes. She didn't cheat, they aren't a couple, but that simple fact didn't seem lessen the blow. As he places his feet on the ground, it still feels as if he'd been punched in the gut. It looked like he wasn't going to be sleeping happily tonight after all.

* * *

Erin wakes up to an all too familiar pounding in her head. She had come to realize that the feeling was not her dying, but was in fact, a massive fucking hangover. One that she was getting way too used to waking up to. She didn't want to feel it anymore. Without making the mistake of opening her eyes, she reaches her hand over to her nightstand and opening her drawer, extending her hand into it. Blindly she feels around. When she comes up empty handed, her arm moves around hurriedly as she lets out a frustrated huff.

Jay clears his throat behind her, causing her to nearly jump out of her skin. She groans as she turns to look at him, propping herself on an elbow. "Looking for something?" he asks, seated in the chair next to her bed, his elbows resting on his knees.

Suddenly moments from the night before come flooding back to her. Drunkenly calling Jay. Thai food. Some other things that she couldn't quite remember but that she is sure were adequately embarrassing. She must've done something unpleasant though, because Jay's face is all hard lines and no smiles this morning. Before she can even begin to string words into a full sentence he outstretches his arm in front of her. His fist comes within inches of her face, which causes her to jerk back and tilt her head, confusion making her heart pound in her ears.

The pounding isn't nearly as deafening as her heart shattering when he unballs his fist and her half empty bag of oxy falls from between two of his fingers. "I think we need to talk."

* * *

' _Explain, explain,_

 _As I turn and meet the power;'_

* * *

 **A/N: I'm SORRY, PLEASE DONT HATE ME. IM NOT CRYING YOURE CRYING.**


	3. Gasoline

**Okay guys, I'm back. After months of looking at this, struggling with writer's block and a new symptom of my disease, dyslexia, I am finally ready to post. I really love this story, because it was born from a headcanon that me and one of my best friends got hella emotional about. It was suppose to be a one shot but I just couldn't fit everything I was feeling into one little part. Like I said, I've been looking at/working on this for months and I just couldnt get over this mental block I had on this until very recently. (Maybe its the positive linstead finally? Who knows.)**

 **Anyways, Erin is very sassy in this chapter and I kind of love it. I was stuck on one part because it's kind of drastic, and I don't want it to seem out of character. But on the other hand I used Amellia Shepherd's (Grey's/Private Practice), downward spiral as inspiration for this fic because I feel that Erin and Amelia share a lot of qualities. So if you've watched Amelia's downward spiral, some of these scenes may definitely have a familiar feeling to them.**

 **The song for this chapter is Gasoline by Halsey. I really love this song and I listened to it while I wrote a good portion of this chapter. I hope that you all will understand why by the end. Thank you for being patient with me, as my life and illnesses are very unpredictible. I do have quite a bit of motivation to finish part four(also the final chapter) of this, so It may be up sooner than you'd expect ;)**

 **This is not properly edited, so please forgive any grammatical errors, weird dyslexic mistakes, and weird tense changes.**

 **As you all know, I don't own any of these characters.**

 **Enjoy! :)**

 **P.S-The Italic parts in the story are flashbacks.**

* * *

' _Are you insane like me? Been in pain like me?_

 _Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me?_

 _Just to pour that motherfucker down the drain like me?_

 _Would you use your water bill to dry the stain like me?'_

* * *

As reality descends on her, Erin launches from her spot on the bed towards Jays hand, making a move for the pills. He quickly pulls his arm out of reach, balling his fist. She slumps back onto the bed before her proud temper causes her to straighten her spine.

"You went through my stuff?" Erin accuses, folding her arms over her chest as her form of protection against the flood of emotions coursing through her veins.

His face contorts in anger and he spins on his heel, trying to reign in his temper. "Erin," He begins before turning back towards her, "I'm holding a bag of drugs in my hand."

"So?" She snaps, stubbornness playing across her features.

" _So_?" He repeats exasperated, "If you don't see a problem with that, then we have a bigger issue than I thought." He says shoving the baggy into his pants pocket. He carefully watches Erin carefully watching him. A pang of worry eats away at his stomach.

He runs a tired hand through his hair, "Erin, this isn't you."

Erin snorts, "How the hell would you know?"

Her harsh reply feels like a slap to the face and he does his best not to actually recoil. Before he can reply there is a shrill ringing from his phone, breaking the tense silence hanging between them.

"Halstead," He grunts into the phone, his eyes staying on Erin, who shifts under his harsh gaze.

Jay listens and nods, "Got it," he replies into the phone, "text me the details."

He clips his phone back on his hip before he crosses his arms over his chest. "We caught a case."

Erin looks up at him with an eyebrow raised, not moving from her position on the bed.

"You need to get cleaned up," Jay criticizes, "You look," He pauses, eyes dragging over her disheveled appearance, "Well...you look like you should, considering." He shakes his head before making his way out of her room.

Jay's words echo harshly in her head and pain grips at her heart. Erin drags the sheet up to her chest, though she is fully clothed, their exchange leaves her feeling vulnerable and naked.

* * *

A while later, Erin slides on a pair of aviators as Jay starts the car, her head still pounding as the sun beats through the windshield.

"Where are we headed?" Erin asks casually as they pull away from her apartment complex and take a right.

Jay keeps his eyes on the road and doesn't respond. She watches the muscle in his jaw tick as he actively ignores her. She narrows her eyes at him, ' _So he's pissed_ ', Erin thinks to herself, ' _that doesn't give him the right to be a dick.'_

"If you're going to be an asshole, do you think we could at least stop for a coffee?" She snaps, crossing her arms over her chest.

His hands tighten on the steering wheel and he glares over at her, "No." he answers swiftly before focusing back on the traffic in front of them.

"You're impossible." Erin says through clenched teeth, letting out a huff and banging her head against the seat. Her vision blurs as she watches her city pass by out the window. Silently she reaches her hand up and brushes away a stray tear. She squeezes her eyes closed hoping to quell any others that may try to escape. She tries not to flinch as memories hit her like a wave;

" _Where are we going?" Erin asked with a laugh, her feet resting comfortably on the dash. An old Journey song flowed easily through the speakers, and Jay wore a content smile on his lips._

 _He shot her a mischievous look, "It's a surprise."_

" _Ugh," Erin scoffed, " You know I hate surprises."_

 _Jay rolled his eyes at her and continued singing along with the radio._

" _You know, there wouldn't be any surprises if I was in the drivers seat." She said smartly, crossing her arms casually over her chest._

" _Actually, If I remember our last stake out correctly, I gave you quite the surprise when you were sitting in the drivers seat. In fact," he said with a laugh. "I'm pretty sure I surprised you several times."_

 _Erin gasped and punched him in the shoulder. "You're so gross!"_

" _What? It's true!" He defended, his classic smirk creeping onto his face._

 _Erin shook her head, but she couldn't help but laugh._

" _Plus, you know you love me." He said confidently, his hand dropping down to intertwine with hers._

" _Yeah." She said easily, her heart instinctively beating a little faster. "Yeah I really do."_

 _Jay's breath hitched and the air grew thick as he processed what she just said. He was joking around, and he never expected her to actually agree with him._

" _You've never said that before." He murmured matter of factly as his eyes darted between her and the road in front of him. As they made their way through a small town outside of Chicago, his heart raced in his chest. "Are you sure?_

" _Yes," She said with a smile, squeezing his hand in reassurance. "I'm positive I love you._

 _Erin let out a yelp as Jay maneuvered the car to the side of the road, kicking up dust and gravel as they came to a swift stop._

 _The most beautifully genuine smile Erin had ever seen crossed his face, and she fell even deeper._

" _Can you say it again, since I'm no longer operating a 2 ton piece of machinery." Jay asked, the smile still glued to his face._

 _She raised an eyebrow, "Oh, I know exactly what kind of machinery you're working with."_

" _Touche," He laughed. "But seriously, " He locked eyes with her, "Can you say it again?"_

 _She brought her hands up to hold his head between her hands. Her palms rested against his neck as her thumbs brushed against the stubble of his jaw._

" _Jay Halstead," She started, "I love your taste in music. I love what a great partner you are; how you'll always have my back no matter what. I love that you can cook. I love your dirty jokes.I love how passionately you talk about the things you love. I love how mad you get when I drink the last of the milk and put the carton back in the fridge. I love how you still go to Mass on Christmas Eve, because it would make your mom happy. I love that birthmark on your left hip, and I love how it's shaped like Florida. I love that little smirk that crosses your lips just as you're falling asleep. I love every goddamn thing about you, Jay. I love you. I'm in love with you. Every part of me, loves you."_

 _Before Erin could even take another breath, his lips crashed against hers. She fell easily into the kiss. She giggled into Jay's mouth as he pulled her from her seat and into his lap. He adjusts the seat so she can straddle his thighs comfortably before finding her lips again._

 _When they finally break for air, Erin rested her forehead on his and they both laughed a little breathlessly._

 _Once he could breathe again, Jay brought his hand to stroke Erin's cheek. "I love you too."_

 _This time it's Erin initiated the kiss as her heart soared. She couldn't ever remember feeling this happy._

 __" _I love you," She said into his mouth. "I love you." She repeated as she kissed his cheek. She continued a trail of 'I love you's' down his neck and chest, stopping to say it as she popped each button of his shirt._

" _Whoa whoa whoa," Jay murmured with a smirk, "If you go any lower, we're going to put a serious dent in our travel Itinerary."_

" _Well, you know how I am with rules and schedules," She shrugged before attaching her lips onto his neck, working her way back up to his mouth. She responded instantly as Jay deepened the kiss, rolling her hips into his._

" _Oh fuck the itinerary." He said, his voice deepening. He reached for the button of Erin's jeans, which popped open easily. He slid a hand into her pants, cupping her, her instinctive moan vibrating against his neck._

" _No wait," She pulled herself away from him, covering his hand with her own. She looked into his eyes, dead serious. "You have to tell me where we're going first."_

 _He deadpanned, his face completely stoic. "Wisconsin." he said cooly. And with that, they both busted out laughing-_

Erin is jerked back to the present a few moments later when the car lurches to a stop. She glances up and then looks over at Jay, "What are we doing here?"

"We're getting you a fucking cup of coffee. Let's go." He growls as he yanks the keys out of the ignition. He gets out of the car and slams the door behind himself, causing a shiver to travel up Erin's spine.

She gets out of the car at a slower pace and as she looks at the diner a sense of deja vu washes over her. She can't remember when or how, but she had been here before. When she glances over and sees Jay's hard eyes glaring back at her, she picks up the pace. Even in the foul mood he's in, he still holds the door for her. The large diner is bustling with people and Jay makes his way over to the waitress, whispering something in her ear. Erin focuses on the tacky decorations plastered to the walls until Jay walks back over towards her.

"Come on," He says, leading her forward into the maze of crowded tables.

Erin drags her feet, "Why are we getting a table? You didn't even want to get me a coffee." She scoffs.

Jay rolls his eyes, and places his hand on the small of her back, pushing her forward. Reluctantly Erin lets him guide her through the diner, and looks down confused when his hand clamps around her wrist and Jay's feet come to a halt. As she lifts her eyes her heart races and she suddenly sees why Jay had shackled her to him. She instantly wants to flee as she looks at a table full of her pseudo family.

Erin turns on Jay who still has a hold on her, "I thought you said we caught a case?"

Before he can answer, Voight interjects, "He lied. Sit down." He watches as she turns her head stubbornly. " ." He orders harshly, grabbing the attention of a few of the patrons around them.

Reluctantly Erin slides into the tacky red booth that looks like something straight out of the 50s, followed by Jay who folds his hands on the table. Erin holds steady as Hank's eyes bore into her, Olinski and Antonio sit quietly next to him, each of them knowing better than to try and say a word.

Erin is the first to speak. She interlaces her fingers, locking her hands together, before resting her chin on top of them. "Why are we here Hank?" She asks a little too sweetly.

"Why do you think we're here Erin?" Hank questions, his eyes focused intently on her.

She yawns, finally breaking eye contact with him. "I don't know, looks like some kind of half assed intervention to me." She folds her arms on the table and looks around to her colleagues, her gaze finally settling on Jay. "Is that what this is?"

"We just want what's best for you." Olinsky answers quickly.

"Yeah, you're heading down a dark road. We're just trying to protect you." Antonio chimes in.

Her eyes narrow at both of them, "Oh yeah, like we protected Nadia?" Erin says stiffly causing a heavy silence to fall over the table.

"Do you want some coffee, Erin?" Jay offers, trying to change the subject.

"So one of you can slip some naloxone into it? No thanks." She sits back with a smug smile on her face as Jay and Hank exchange glances. "You know what sounds really great though? Waffles." She chirps, before waving her hand and bellowing, "Waitress!"

The waitress quickly jots down Erin's order and offers to take the orders of everyone else, but no one else seems to have an appetite. "Oh well," Erin says, handing her menu to the waitress, "more for me!" A sickly sweet smile is plastered on her face as she turns back to the table. She starts opening sugar packets and pouring them onto the table. The rest of her unit, her family, looking at her in disbelief.

"Halstead, come with me." Voight orders, sliding out of his side of the booth.

"Ooo time for a secret meeting," Erin sings sarcastically, which earns her a glare from Voight and a sigh from Jay who slides away from her, out of his seat.

Voight nods to Antonio and Olinski to keep Erin where she is before following Jay out of earshot.

"What the hell are we supposed to do now, sarg?" Jay starts, looking his boss hard in the eyes.

"I'm not sure. The last time I went through this with her she was a teenager. She's smarter now, a lot more stubborn now." Voight says, rubbing a hand over his jaw as he thinks.

"I'm guessing the last time she wasn't also mourning the loss of one of her best friends?" Jay adds.

"That's it. We bring up Nadia. She'll probably strangle us with her bare hands, but if it breaks through to her, it might just work." Voight counters.

"If that doesn't work, I have another idea." Jay says solemnly, " but you're not gonna like it."

* * *

By the time they get back to the table, Erin is already halfway through her waffles.

"So," she says with a mouth full of food. "what's the verdict?"

Jay and Voight both slide into the booth silently. Erin raises her eyebrows and waves her fork impatiently implying for them to spit it out. Several beats pass before anyone speaks.

"Erin, we want you to get some help." He says somberly as he reaches out for her free hand, but she snaches it away defensivly.

"I don't have a problem. I'm having fun." She says, her voice rising. "For fucks sake, I never get to have any fun. Why can't you all leave well enough alone?" She mutters, stabbing a fork into a piece of waffle.

"Because we all love you, Erin." Voight says firmly, "We don't want to see you destroy yourself."

Erin rolls her eyes, shoving a bite of waffle into her mouth.

"Nadia wouldn't want you to be doing this to yourself." Voight adds.

Erin looks away, barely managing to swallow her mouthful of food.

"Don't," She says, her voice too quiet for anyone's comfort. "Don't you _dare_." Her eyes lock on Voight, full of fire.

"Erin-" Voight pleads but she cuts him off before he can finish his thought.

"No!" she snaps, fist slamming into the table, shaking it's air around them immediately grows silent, her outburst gaining the attention of the other patrons.

They sit silently for what seems like forever, no one daring to speak. Erin tries to contain the anger that is building in her chest, taking a deep breath to steady herself before she speaks.

"You," She points a shaky finger at Voight. "don't have any right to tell me how to live my life; to tell me how to grieve. You are not my father." Erin says emphatically before turning to Jay. "And you, are not my boyfriend." She registers the look of hurt that flashes over each of their faces, but she can't bring herself to care. "I'm going to do whatever the hell I want."

"No," Voight corrects, "You're not. You're going to get clean."

Erin leans her elbows onto the table, resting her chin on her hands, "Or what?" She counters, a small smirk tugging at her lips.

"Or," Voight takes a deep breath before continuing, " you will immediately be stripped of your badge and you will no longer be a detective in this unit."

She looks around at her coworkers, her family, and sees the same melancholy look mimicked on each of their faces. She falls back against the booth, the air rushing out of her lungs. She weighs the options in her head and after a moment she reaches her hand out to Jay.

He looks at her confused and when the realization hits him, his eyes grow wide and he looks over to Voight, who gives him a disappointed nod. Reluctantly Jay reaches into his pocket and pulls out the small bag. He gives Erin a pleading look but it doesn't seem to phase her, so he drops the baggie in her palm.

Erin immediately opens the bag, fingering out the last two pills and sets them carefully on the table. She stands up, removing her badge from her hip.

Jay looks away and cringes with every bang as she proceeds to use her badge to crush the pills into a fine powder.

Erin carefully forms her lines, and with one last look to Voight, she bends down and snorts them in quick succession. Wiping her nose, she stands up straight, her eyes locked on Voight. She drops her badge into his lap, the white powder still dulling its metallic shine.

"Fuck you," She says to Voight, before turning to the others. "Fuck all of you." She picks up her aviators off the table, and grabs one last bite of waffle before letting the fork fall onto the table.

"MMMM," She exclaims, turning on her heel, walking purposefully away from the table.

Jay makes a move to get up, he wasn't about to let her just walk away, not after what she just did. But he feels a strong hand on his arm, pulling him forcefully back into the booth.

"Don't," Voight says, his voice filled with defeat. "She's gone."

* * *

Two days later Erin storms into her apartment in huff. She shoves a hand quicking into the pocket of the leather jacket hanging by her door, and does it with each of the other coats and sweatshirts hanging on her hooks; she comes up empty.

"Shit," She mutters, irked. When she walked away from the unit, Voight had immediately froze all of her financials. Erin vaugly remembers a voice mail from him, saying that he wouldn't 'enable her habit.' Of course, she had taken her last 3 pills eight hours ago, and now she was coming down hard with no way of obtaining another fix.

She goes on a mission, looking every place she can think of. As she continues her scavenger hunt, she grows increasingly more frustrated. She slams the drawer in her dresser and sits on the bed defeated. Her skin is crawling, and the painful memories were seeping back into her consciousness.

"No," she groans aloud, bringing her hands to her eyes, as if to stop the memories from weighing her heart down.

Pushing herself up, she walks back into the living room and grabs the bottle of whisky from the table. Unscrewing the top, she throws it across the room carelessly as she brings the bottle to her lips. As it burns a trail to her belly, she prays that it will at least take the edge off.

She fiddles with her phone, sighing with relief as music blasts through her speakers, temporarily drowning out the thoughts in her head. Erin rests against the wall, occasionally taking a swig of the amber liquid.

It doesn't do shit.

Her body is still screaming for a fix and lets out a grunt, downing another hearty gulp. All the horrible things she's said and done to the people she loves play on a loop in her head; the music no longer helping to drown them out as pain and anger rush through her veins.

" _Goddamn it_ ," She bellows, angry tears pricking her eyes.

She spins on her heel and hurls the bottle through the air.

The bottle crashes against the door and Erin gasps as it narrowly misses Jay's head. Between the music and the thoughts coursing through her brain on a loop, she didn't even hear him slip through her front door.

They both stand in tense silence for what feels like forever. Golden trails of whiskey still run down her front door; the liquid dripping onto her wooden floor is the only thing that breaks the silence. Erin's heart beats so rapidly against her chest that she is almost positive that Jay can hear it as well. Her chest feels heavy and the tears well back up in her eyes. She tries to will them away, but to her dismay they spill over, running down her cheeks silently. As the gravity of the situation hits Erin, her a sob escapes her throat; her hand flying up to cover her open mouth.

On instinct, Jay quickly approaches her. His hands run up her arms and she drops her head to her chest. He captures her head between his hands, bringing her back to eye level. The pain in her hazel eyes is clear as day. Gently, he wipes away a tear as it runs slowly down her cheek.

He takes a shaky deep breath before he speaks, "Are you ready to talk now?"

* * *

' _These voices won't leave me alone_

 _Well my heart is gold and my hands are cold.'_

* * *

 **Okay so I hope any errors weren't too bad because I didn't really proof/have anybody proof it. But anyways, I hope you all enjoyed it. And I hope that you will enjoy the next and final chapter when I'm able to get it out. Please follow/fave/review, and I will love you forever. :) 3**


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